The statement “you reap what you sow” has meant different things to me over the course of my life. For many years it was synonymous with the idea of karma – or the cycle of cause and effect. Whatever you do, action or deed, will come back to you in some way. I didn’t relate to karma from it’s religious roots, just the everyday notion of “good karma” and “bad karma”. At other times in my life I related the notion of reaping what you sow, to be more intimately tied to the manner in which you think. If you think good thoughts, holy thoughts, and uplifting thoughts, good things will come from that. And the inverse was true for me as well – if you think groveling and evil thoughts, then certainly the result would be bad things coming your way.

Later in my life the idea of “reaping what you sow” took on a more deliberate definition in my life. Meaning it’s not the passive thoughts or actions that lead to some unmeasurable and unknown consequence that develops at some undetermined time in the future (like karma). There is much more certainty around this idea for me now. It is more inline with the idea of deliberate and purposeful actions, leading to an outcome that is expected. There are still variables at play, meaning the degree in which I realize the outcome may not be exactly as expected, but the outcome will still align with what I planned. I think of it like a farmer. If a farmer plants (sows) corn seed, he would have no expectation to yield (reap) carrots. He may not yield the exact amount of corn he expected, but from corn seed comes corn – every time!

As I look back at how my marriage has gone over the years, I see how it parallels my understanding of reaping what I sow. For many years I didn’t plant any specific seeds, but I still hoped, wished, imagined, and expected, a great and bountiful harvest – in other words, I expected a thriving marriage. I didn’t do anything specific to nurture those mystery seeds, because how could I properly nurture seeds that were unknown to me. Instead I would just get angry and frustrated because again and again I was yielding the equivalent of useless weeds, and my marriage was suffering as a result. My thriving marriage simply was not arising by chance – how unfortunate! And yet how foolish of me to expect otherwise.

I’ve learned now to plant specific seeds in my marriage that I know how to nurture, and I am yielding the crop I expect. I plant seeds of grace, peace, kindness, gentleness, forgiveness, and trust. And I nurture them with love, patience, appreciation, faithfulness, encouragement, accountability, and prayer. And as I look at my marriage today, it is clearly yielding more and more of what I have planted. I don’t see resentment disguised as forgiveness, lies disguised as honesty, hypocrisy disguised as commitment, jealousy disguised as trust, or self-righteousness disguised as love. I see genuine behaviors that are leading to a richer and fuller marriage.

As you look at how your marriage is growing, if it is not bearing the fruit you expect, look closely at the seeds you have planted. If you are not planting specific seeds, don’t have an expectation for a specific crop. I’m not attempting to oversimplify marriage, but I am suggesting that it will yield what you plant. And I am encouraging you to plant specific “seeds” (behaviors), and only then should you rightfully expect to yield a specific outcome – of any amount!