I’ve said it a thousand times and I’m sure you’ve said it too – “no matter what I do for my wife, it’s never good enough!” It’s almost cliche these days as a common expression from men – single men, married men, and men of all ages. Yet, all too often, no matter what men may do for the woman in their life, a crucial element is missing. At the heart of what a man needs to figure out about a woman is that she wants – and even needs – to feel special. Special for being who she really is and special in the eyes of the man she loves.

But there in lies the problem – what exactly does all this talk about “feeling special” really mean? And why does it seem to mean something different for every woman? Can’t women just cut to the chase and tell us how to do it? If we knew exactly what to do, we’d do it – we’d buy it – we’d be it. Whatever “it” is, we’re all over it! While that might actually make things easy on us, the truth is that romance and marriage would suffer terribly as a result. The doing, the being, the buying, it would all become very automatic and your marriage would become even more performance based then it already is.

So again, What Does Special Mean?

A key to remember that will deepen and sweeten your relationship is that the woman you are with is not you. Simple enough, right? After all, you’re a man and she’s a woman. What could be more obvious? Unfortunately, in many marriages, that’s as far as it goes. But an even more important point to remember is that she is a unique person in her own right, different from all other women. Don’t lump her into a Mars/Venus muddle. That just assumes she’s like every other woman, and that’s a sure fire recipe for disappointment and misunderstanding. She is not every other woman. She is who she is, uniquely one-of-a-kind and, in that way, very special.

You don’t have to do anything to make her special. She already is. And if you can’t recognize that reality as the baseline for how you relate to her, then no gift, no card, no expensive night out will ever make a difference. In fact, it will only dig a much deeper gulf between you. Remember, she’s not you. Find out who she is. Approach this point in your relationship on the premise that she is special – now you just have to make her feel it. You do it by exploring her and expressing your love for her. You do it by pursuing her. The easiest way to relate to this is to think back to your dating years. You’ll recall first and foremost that you treated her very much like she was already a special person. However, you didn’t know everything about her, so you got to know her through your efforts to make her feel special. Buying her gifts, taking her out on dates, saying nice things to her and about her, etc. Those acts made her feel special – and they made you feel good. Even if you bought her something she didn’t like – it still made her feel special. The trick is that you can’t stop pursuing your wife!  Being pursued and desired are the magic ingredients that make her feel special – and make her feel loved.

It’s all about me!

Try this exercise – pause reading this for just a minute and write down 3-5 reasons you love your wife – the first things that come to mind. Then come back to reading.  OK, does your list look anything like this: “I love her because I feel good being with her”. Or, “I love her because she excites me”. Or, “I love her because she takes care of me”. This might not match up with your list exactly – but these are fairly common expressions people give for why they love someone. And they sound like pleasant things to say, but do you see any problems with them? The statements are not about the person you love – your wife in this case. They are about you – how you feel as a result of proclaiming your love for her.

What if the statements sounded more like this – “I love you because you are so insightful. You really have a gift for seeing things in people”. Or, “I love you because you’re so adventurous – you’ll try anything”. Or, “You’re so committed – you always give everything 100%”. These statements would be about her and about who she is. When she knows you love her for who she is and you care enough to notice, that’s what will make her feel special. Sure, her insight may impress you, and being impressed is about you. The same is true for the kick you get out of her willingness to try things, or how proud you feel when you’re out with her. But if you can’t tell her about her in her own right, then it’s only about you and that’s a drag. Remember, she’s not there for you – she’s there with you. Big difference.

Admiration is a good thing…

Your wife also wants to know that she is someone you are willing and wanting to learn from. If you admire her point of view on things, the way she formulates her experience of being alive, her thoughts and opinions, she will feel that you are equals. It’s not only that you care for her, but that you value her even if you weren’t together. So it’s not just your relationship that makes her attractive. She’s attractive to you as a person. Period.

Intimacy is not spelled S-E-X

Most people associate the word intimacy with sex. But real intimacy is so much more than that. It’s about being open, sincerely wanting to know about, understand, learn from, care for, enjoy, like, and love the person you’re with — for who she is. Don’t miss out on being emotionally intimate with the woman you love. Of course, your wife has to receive and value what you give her. And she must reciprocate, because there’s no such thing as one-way intimacy. So offering genuine emotional intimacy, the real thing, is the foundation of treating your wife special. That’s how she’ll know you really care about her. And so will you.